Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
