then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize