I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
