Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
