oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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