So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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