When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
