Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I party with great urgency now.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
