saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
