So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
