sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
