Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
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