So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
