How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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