And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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