I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Holy sore nipples Batman
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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