he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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