my phone needs a breathalizer
I think im going to throw up on grandma
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
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