Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
