I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
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