i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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