Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
