I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i will never coherently bang her
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
