just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I woke up under a house in Key West
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
