i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
