we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
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