u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
