apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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