Buhtt sex?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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