watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
