can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
