his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize