is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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