i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
