im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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