in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
