Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
