i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Randomize
