I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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