Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
