she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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