Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
