he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
