would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
