He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
