I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I came so hard my ears popped.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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