I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
