im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
