He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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