Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Less talking, more tequila
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize
