If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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