Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
