Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize