so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
