Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
