standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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