I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
