Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
