you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
