JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
